Separation, Transition & Divorce Care

Breakups, toxic conflict, deep wounds, longstanding division...it's all hard. Considering separation and divorce is very stressful and not something we wish on any couple. The felt experience can come with feelings of grief, anger, sadness, resentment, and sometimes relief and empowerment. If you have decided that your relationship has come to an end, we want to come along side you and help you navigate this often dark and challenging time. Kristi Efford and Ellie Garrison help clients by hosting dual or individual sessions geared toward supporting improved coparenting, holding space for difficult conversations around separation, moving out, new routines, boundaries, expectations and other topics that are hard to talk about. Individual sessions are focused on holding space for processing difficult feelings around separation, transitions and divorce. 

Therapeutic Separation - When most couples separate, they do it without a plan. When couples separate without clear expectations, it can lead to deeper wounds and hurts. One partner might be thinking that it is just a "break" in the relationship to work on self care or healing. The other partner may be thinking that the "break" is a code for "we are getting a divorce." Miscommunication and unnecessary wounds might occur because one person in the relationship is holding on to hope, while the other person is preparing for divorce. This can be a confusing and devastating time for the couple, the children, friends and family alike. 

"Therapeutic separation" is different as it involves soliciting the support of a professional clinician to help both parties set clear boundaries, routines, expectations and goals for the separation. It is important that both persons are very clear with regard to what this separation is about. The separation could be used to help one or both persons work on action steps, growth and change that lead to the couple strengthening their relationship. It could also aid the couple in transitioning towards divorce. Therapeutic separation sometimes involves a recommendation for "no contact" where both parties commit to a period of time without talking, texting, calling or seeing each other in order to better focus on self improvement. 

Some possible goals for therapeutic separation:

• Creating safety and preventing domestic violence

• Making progress on individual issues such as substance abuse treatment, anger management, sex addiction treatment, healing wounds from infidelity/affairs, narcissistic disorder/ abuse, emotional or physical abuse, domestic violence and/or a combination of these and other issues in individual counseling or community based treatment centers

• Learning social skills, communication skills, setting boundaries, emotional regulation skills and other skills for post-separation/divorce

• Engaging individual therapy for insight-building, personal growth and mental health treatment

• Learning child-centered co-parenting skills

• Developing a plan for a peaceful and respectful divorce

Some possible questions for discussion:

• How long should our initial separation be? How long before we check in regarding our goals or have discussion about divorce or reconciliation?

• What are some expectations around physical and emotional boundaries? 

  • Are we allowed to date other people? Should we go "no contact"? Should we keep in contact via text about kids, finances, and other important topics? Should we meet in person for progress discussions?

• Will either party leave the home? How do we decide who leaves the home?

• What are the expectations around visiting the home, changing locks, announced/unannounced visiting, child exchanging, etc.?

• How will we coparent?

• What will we tell our friends and family?

• How will we communicate? Text, email, in person, phone call, through attorneys? 

• Will we see a therapist together or use mediation? How will we share legal and professional fees?

• How will we manage our joint bank accounts, shared vehicles, and other possessions? 

The answers to these questions should be documented in a written agreement and signed by both partners to reduce misunderstandings. If you choose to work with a therapist during your separation, we will help guide you through these goals, questions and agreements to help minimize confusion. 

Discernment Counseling - If you are not sure whether you want to stay in the relationship or move on, or one person is more invested in the relationship while the other is threatening to leave, then discernment counseling could help. Discernment counseling is a brief process that lasts between 1-5 sessions. The counselor will help you and your spouse make a solid decision whether to choose one of three options.

1. Remain in status quo and keep engaging in dysfunctional relationship.

2. Commit to transitioning the relationship to divorce.

3. Commit to working on the relationship through engagement in a six-month period of couples therapy without threatening divorce (divorce is completely off the table for six months while in couples therapy). 

Divorce Care - Divorce care can take place in both individual sessions and/or in a group setting and is designed to help individuals and families navigate the emotional and practical challenges associated with divorce or separation. Divorce care therapy provides a safe and empathetic space for people who are going through or have gone through the divorce process to share their experiences, gain insights, and develop coping skills.